And now, I'm trying to find some type of new normal. Which is proving to be much harder.
We went from finding out I was pregnant,to finding out we had an early miscarriage.
To say I'm heart broken would be an enormous understatement. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but things happen. I haven't felt that kind of joy in my whole entire life. I was proud I was pregnant. I wanted to shout from the mountains that this little squishy thing growing inside of me would call me mommy, and Dylan, daddy. We went to my first appt, everything looked good. Then bam. Not so good. It was over.
I wasn't ready for that to be over. I wasn't ready to not be pregnant. That's not what I wanted. I went from not wanting kids for several years, to accepting the fact that I was going to have one, to the heartache of losing something I never even would get to know. It's a weird feeling. It's hard and sad and more than anything I want my heart to catch up with my head.
I know that I'm going to be okay. I know that Dylan's okay. I know that we will move on and get pregnant and have a family one day. I know that there are bigger problems in this world and that this seems so small...
But, to me. This feels like my world has been shattered. I feel like I'm exhausted and I just want to fast forward life for a minute. I feel sad and broken. I feel loved and thankful that I have a family that is here for me. And I feel like I want my heart to catch up to my brain so I don't have to feel this way anymore.
I pride myself on being a strong girl. I can handle a lot of things. And I know, one day I'll be able to handle this too. But right now I feel so small.
I know God has big plans for us. Sometimes things need to fall apart so bigger things can fall together.
So right now I'll be thankful for my husband that loves me even when I'm a hot mess. That he goes out of his way to make my sappy self a smiley self and that he loves seeing me smile more than anything. I'm thankful for parents(& family) that go out of their way to make me feel loved, and understood. I'm thankful for friends that sent flowers to my house to make me smile.
I know God has a plan for our life, so my prayer right now is that I will continue to trust that His timing is far better than mine. I pray for strength and comfort and the ability to get past this little hurdle and be stronger than ever.
And in less than two months I will be here, soaking up the sun and being blessed with a week of stress free family fun... and NOW, I'll have a cocktail in hand. ;)
